Blather
Fashion. Beauty. Pop Culture. Snacks
By The Guru
Ughs
There's something very very wrong with me. Food doesn't taste good,
yet I feel fat. I'm tired all the time yet I can't get to sleep
at night. I sit in front of my computer at work, a slave to my phone,
smile through my boss' careless condescension and shake with fury.
I can't listen to the television or radio without wanting to scream.
There is something very very wrong with me - and it's the same
thing that's infecting millions of Americans, mostly in states bordering
large bodies of water (except for in the South).
Post Election Stress Disorder.
I'd love to hole up until it's time for another election but I
have to pay rent. And that means going to work. So instead I've
been coddling my inner child.
I find myself playing lots of Playstation. Specifically Tomb Raider.
Specifically the first game, which has the comforting blockiness
of an "old-school" video game. And shrieking red-winged
mutants which I fondly call "condies", (because "Condoleeza"
is so formal). The best thing about the condies is that they explode
in a pop of fireballs when I shoot at them with my Uzis. Normally,
I'm a strictly anti-war pacifist type but, hey, it's a videogame.
It's not like they're human or anything.
I'm drinking lots of hot cocoa. Not the pre-packaged instant kind.
The old fashioned kind that actually takes an effort to make. I
prefer it not just because I am an elitist liberal, but because
the chocolate is darker, denser, richer and I can customize my hot
cocoa by making it with half-and-half, or better yet, heavy cream,
rather than the more pedestrian milk. And, as a sop to my high blood
sugar (or Atkins, or whatever), I can sweeten it with Splenda. Home-made
hot cocoa is so good I don't even mind the fact that it's artificially
sweetened. Which is more than I can say for instant hot cocoa, drinking
which is a bit like drinking chocolate flavored foot. Besides, going
to all that effort to make something for yourself is nice. It makes
you feel special, because someone made a special drink for you.
Even if that someone was yourself. If I really want to treat myself,
I'll make the hot cocoa with Scharffen-Berger,
but, honestly, Hershey's or whatever brand they sell at Trader Joe's
is good as well. The key is pure, unsweetened, unadulterated cocoa
powder.
I may be depressed, but I still want to look good, so these days
I'm using eyeko
eyebeauty's strawberry fat balm on my lips. It comes in an adorable
pink and blue plastic container, with a cartoon dog on the lid,
just as if Hello Kitty made good cosmetics. Better yet, it moisturizes
and gives my lips a natural hint of color - plumped, shiny and pretty.
You can even use it to give your cheeks a healthy glow, but beware
that, like the strawberry jam that it smells like, the fat balm
is slightly sticky. Just using this fat balm cheers me up. Hey,
when you work in a fluorescent-lit box, staring at a computer all
day, you can use all the sunshine you can get!
Nothing reminds me of my carefree childhood like a sunny day on
the beach. Since I can't afford to go anywhere, I fool my senses
by using cocoa-scented lotion. Somehow, it just smells like the
beach. My favorite lotion is Alba
Botanica's Cocoa Butter Hand and Body Lotion. Yum! When my budget
is particularly tight, I've found that Queen Helene's Cocoa Butter
Lotion is not just yummy, it's cheap.
Last but not least my most wanted item, regardless of price…
Uggs. I know what you're thinking. Uggs? Ugh! But let me explain.
It's not that they're fashionable (although I welcome their popularity
because now they come in great colors). It's not the fact that every
teeny bopper is wearing them with her miniskirts. It's because they're
slippers. Slippers! Finally, it is socially acceptable for me to
wear slippers to work! Of course, in order for my new Uggs to fulfill
their cheerful function, I cannot buy them in a dull, go-with-everything
color such as black or brown. No! That would merely confirm the
drabness of my spirits rather than uplift them. In order to fully
enjoy the mad, joyful pleasure of comfortable yet fun shoes, I must
buy them in deep, resilient cranberry
red.
Of course, those red Uggs are hard to find. But how would we know
how to celebrate if everything were easy? Some things are not only
worth the wait, but better, more delicious, for the waiting. Like
a Democratic victory in 2008.
Learn more about The Guru.
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